Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
