My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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