You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The uberlube is also flammable
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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