Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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