I love black thongs
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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