Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
