I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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