gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
