can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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