I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
