if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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