if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
one two three fourrrrnication!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
