I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
