"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
