She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she peed on how many people?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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