She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
