Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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