im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
