i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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