fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
foreskin is a definite game changer
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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