You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
