Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
