I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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