Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
