No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
