My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
