had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
