you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
