Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
