Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
