Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
