My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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