remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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