Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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