Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
