I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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