cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
