she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
