so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize