are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
