Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
