The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
