apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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