I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
