Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
