she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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