to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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