I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
