After last night, I could never be a politician.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
