im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
