I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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