i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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