I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
how drunk are you?
Several
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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