At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
