i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
