you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
