that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
