It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
