maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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