eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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