Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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