you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
